Current Topics Archive - bodyfulminds.com

Why body awareness matters most for working mothers and how it can help in avoiding maternal burnout

I have started this blog with a sketch of how centuries of cultural practices are contributing to mums feeling guilty. A guilt that can lead to overwhelm and maternal burnout, because women are taking on more and more without looking after themselves. Why and how body awareness makes a difference to realigning with yourself and with what is truly yours, will be the verse of this blog. But I skipped a step since I have not really explained what I mean when I talk about ‘body awareness’. Defining body awareness is key to understanding

why it will make a difference to your experience as a working mother;
why it is important to reconnect with your body;
and lastly, why it is not your fault that the disconnect happened in the first place.

Defining body awareness

Body awareness is the ability to perceive, understand, interpret and react to the signals of our bodies from within and without. Signals from without would be feeling a breeze on your skin, for example. The body schema is another aspect of body awareness. It combines signals from without and within and allows you to move more or less effortlessly and more or less consciously through space.

For example, if we wear a large backpack, or a bulky purse and we move through crowds, our body schema normally incorporates that protruding item to allow for smooth movement without bumping into other people. To do that we combine physical signals outside of ourselves (like seeing other people, feeling the backpack) with signals from within. The vestibular system adjusts how you balance your body with the added weight, for example. The body schema is a big part of proprioception, i.e. the way we perceive ourselves within our own body in time and space.

Signals within can be basic needs like having to use the bathroom, being hungry or tired. Feelings and emotions also manifest physically and are signals from within, but can and often will be triggered from events without our bodies. If you fall and scratch open your knee, for example, the resulting pain comes from within your body while its cause came from without. Sadness can stem from a loss of a dear person. Happiness can be incited by spending time with close friends. Anger often comes from other unresolved feelings and so on and so forth.

Learned disconnect

Often we have learned from a young age that we cannot or must not trust these signals. The scratched knee does actually not hurt (as badly as we make it out). We have been told to calm down, or not be too intense, when we did not feel calm at all. We have all heard:

picture shows a street sign saying yield. We have learned to yield to the perception of others when it comes to our body rather than trusting ourselves paving the ground for maternal burnout.

‘Don’t be sad.’ or

‘You are so much prettier when you smile.’

It means that we learned to distrust our body’s signals and how we perceive them ourselves. We exchanged this at least partly with what others thought appropriate behavior and appearance might be. Our own bodily signals were henceforth labelled ‘too much’ and had to be ‘reigned in.’

This is the short version. If you look at it in more detail – hopefully I will get around to it eventually, it is even more complex. Especially women are being taught about their own bodies from a young age distorting their own perceptions and trust in themselves.

How motherhood boosts the disconnect

Fast forward to motherhood and you have the perfect ground for fully disconnecting from your own body and developing maternal burnout. Years of being told that others know more about your body, what it should look and feel like, you enter to a nowadays almost complete medicalization of your own body that henceforth shall serve to create another human being. We now know that even the brain changes during pregnancy to prepare for the task of motherhood. Once the baby is born most likely you will be dedicated to raising it and putting it first. From an evolutionary perspective this makes perfect sense and keeps the species alive.

Overwhelm & maternal burnout

However, it disregards that we no longer raise our children collectively. Often even grandparents are not close by to support the growing family. Taking care of one or more children, in particular when they are still young, is physically as well as emotionally draining. If you add to that a disconnect from your own body, a consistent disregard for your own needs, you are on the fastest way into overwhelm and maternal burnout. This is not what our children need. This is not what we need, nor do we want it. It’s just something you so easily slide into without noticing.

Disappointed professional ambition

Then we add to this professional ambition. Maybe you experience personal disappointment at what you thought you’d achieve professionally, but simply haven’t. Simply couldn’t, because it was just too much. All the time and money you spent on education. The time spent on working hard to proof your value at work, on personal development and continued education. Will you wait until they are older, but then maybe so will be your parents or in-laws – who will look after them? Probably you, because your partner is likely to earn so much more than you at this point, that it doesn’t make sense otherwise.

Empowering body awareness

I am digressing a little, but then again, I am not. This is the scenario that is very real for many of us. I am not saying, that it isn’t important to take care of other people, but it should be a conscious choice and not something you end up doing, because you are a woman. To the contrary taking care of other people is hugely important while it doesn’t get nearly enough recognition socially. Last but not least of all, you can only really take care of other people, if you know how to take care of yourself.

Picture of a woman in a lotus seat. Body awareness can help you steer clear of maternal burnout.

This is where the loop closes: In order for you to be able to take care of yourself, you cannot skip the step of reconnecting to yourself and to your body. It allows you to decide how you want to take care of others. It allows you to choose to pursue a career and how to prioritize according to your own as well as your family’s needs. Body awareness won’t solve all your problems, no. It will, however, make you stronger, more resilient and creative in finding solutions that work for you. It will empower you in situations where you’d otherwise feel helpless or maybe even hopeless.

Do you want to take back control? Do you want to empower yourself, to trust yourself to make the right choice?

Trust your body and your body awareness practice for coping with life challenges

My original plan for the next post was to write another theoretical article on the female body. I also announced this in my previous blogpost and still think, this is an important topic which I will write about eventually. For now I listened to my body instead. I will tell you a little about my own recent struggle to maintain a strong body awareness practice. Hopefully by sharing my personal experience you will be better prepared than I was and use your body awareness better for coping with life challenges.

airplane taking off into the setting sun to visualize body awareness practice on the move — ©u37suikdl (pixabay)

The big move

Earlier this year, we decided that we would make a major move, far away from family and most friends. This was exciting and challenging at the same time. We could not have anticipated just how challenging it would become and we are still in the process of settling in our new home now.

There were just so many things to organize and do… As a couple we have moved around quite a bit, but with kids only once and within the same city. As parents who made the decision to completely uproot our live and that of our kids, our main concern was to help the kids transition smoothly.

Where the mental overload started

dark haired woman with closed eyes, forehead creased and rubbing her temples to show mental overload when you loose your body awareness practice

While we were still in our old home, I had my routines in place and remained attuned to myself as best possible during a time of impending change. But here is where I started to loose my connection despite having all the tools and knowledge; despite a strong body awareness practice. When our move finally started there were every day new obstacles, new plans and adjustments I had to deal with. My mental load exploded from one day to the next as a result.

After the initial overload with our old home being packed up (a process badly managed by the moving company) we started a long line of moves into various temporary accommodations. This is where I missed to notice just how dysregulated my nervous system and body were becoming.

Missed opportunities

Helping the kids to adjust remained our primary concern. With the move happening over the summer, we wanted to give them a bit of a vacation feeling. We hoped to gently transition them into their new surroundings. We did slow down a lot during that time. At that point I missed the opportunity to reinforce my practice of body awareness. While I did practice, I didn’t fully create a new routine for myself during that time. It is something I tend to do during vacations to allow myself a little more flexibility and exploration in my own practice.

old fashioned suitcases packed messily and clothes sprawling out - packing and unpacking over and over again can make you loose your body awareness practice — © Irina L (Pixabay)

I did and could not anticipate, however, just how challenging the next phase would be. I could not have known how much I would have benefitted from a strong practice at that exact (future) moment.

And that is the thing. That is life. It sometimes throws things at us unexpectedly – planned for or not. We had to move from temporary accommodation to temporary accommodation, packing and unpacking over and over. Finding supermarkets and the things we needed over and over. A million small things to consider at the same time.

Nourishment for the body is more than just nutrition

One example is finding my way in a new supermarket and getting to know the products. This is important to me, because I want to nourish my family and myself. I don’t want to just put anything into our bodies. For me this is an important aspect of body awareness – one I intend to write about in the future.

Initially shopping in a new country and supermarket means reading and understanding an awful lot of labels and ingredients lists. It takes so much time and mental capacity. Of course, I will be more lenient in times like this. Preparing food in temporary accommodations also has its limits. But I was not ready to fully relinquish our diet to convenience.

It’s also different, if you go on a proper holiday. You eat special local treats that are maybe not as good for you. But you simply can’t get them at home anymore. I did not want my kids to develop unhealthy eating habits that could easily continue going forward.

New routines over and over

I also kept re-establishing routines for us in each accommodation and at each phase of the move. The only routine that I did not re-establish over and over was my own body awareness practice. Instead I practiced as and when I remembered. That wasn’t often enough though since there was so much new information I was processing all the time. It reminded me of just how much mental and physical energy we save, if we have good routines in place.

All will be well, or not?

The kids started school, my husband went to work. Things needed to run as smoothly as possible while taking these next big steps. I was so focused on transitioning my kids that I barely noticed, just how far I was leaving myself behind. I kept telling myself that once we can move to our new home, all will be well. When our things finally arrived, however, I only realized just how much had gone wrong with the moving company back in our old home as well as our new.

Everything was an even bigger mess than you could have imagined. Things were and are missing. Boxes were randomly labelled and furniture not set up properly creating a safety risk for our children to name just a few. At both ends people rushed in, did a bad job and left again. I felt so overwhelmed at so many levels, it’s hard to explain.

There is something very intimate about someone else touching most if not all your things. Someone else coming into your home to pack it up, or to unpack it is more personal than I ever imagined. For them it is just another, probably not so well paid job. At the same time no matter what, safety always comes first and they certainly did not care about that. How could these people be so reckless? You can do any job well and you will have a better chance of moving up, or finding a better job. Surely at least that should be a motivation, if not other people’s safety and wellbeing? I clearly had been too naïve about the sheer scale of our move, but also about how deeply the thoughtless and reckless of people would affect me.

The body’s last resort

Not surprisingly, I ended up getting ill – which, obviously, I couldn’t. My husband had to go to the office and even started travelling again. The kids had to go to school and kindergarten. I had to settle our youngest at kindergarten while I was so deeply unsettled myself. Maybe as unsettled as I have ever been in my life. At that point, I was back to ‘only functioning’. I did what I ‘had to do’. I wasn’t able to stop and breath, move intentionally and listen for fear of falling apart. Only once bedtime came and all the noise and hustle of the day were gone, I allowed myself to feel it all, to notice what my body had to say.

I am just now coming out at the other end of the tunnel. Three weeks after we could finally move into our new home, I am still not fully recovered from being ill. What I have learned though is that my connection to myself is strong even when faced with adversity. My practice, however small it may be, is strong enough to re-connect me to myself when I most need it. Even very little body awareness practice can make a huge difference for coping with life challenges. I can say for sure that I would have coped much better with all of it, if I had maintained a stronger practice throughout. Honestly, I don’t know if I realistically could have done it differently though.

No magic wand

Luckily, I at least didn’t have fixed office times, or a new job to start with a new employer at the same time. It would not have been possible! Body awareness practice is super important and can make a difference for your job performance and career. It is not however a magic wand that can make everything go away; or you magically manage to do more than what is humanly possible in 24 hours. It can however give you the strength and confidence to prioritize in your own way, to decide which path is right at that point in time for you and your family.

Maintain your practice

I am sharing all of this, because I know how life can get in the way. We all need to remind ourselves once in a while to:

1. try to keep our body awareness practice going whenever and as best we can, because we never know what life will throw at us.

symmetrically stacked flat stones on a reflective surface with setting/rising sun in background

2. not beat up ourselves, if we slack in our practice and feel that we are losing touch – you can and will get there again, if you are determined to do so.

3. to remain aware of our bodies and to live intentionally are a conscious choice, a continuous practice.

I want to offer you the knowledge and support that you need to build that continuous practice. However big or small that practice needs to be for you without adding to your load, without another item on your list. Just more you, not more to do.